RELEASE YOUR INNER LARRY DAVID

Let’s make this clear first. I do not watch HBO’s CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM. And the few episodes I’ve watched made me feel much to queasy to be any kind of faithful follower. I mean, how can you watch somebody be such a screw-up and not feel somewhat involved, even splattered by the wreck unfolding in your face?

If sometimes feel like I know the guy, see. Like he’s this long time friend I have, who has just the same sort of mixture of charisma and boorishness that makes him completely devoid of any foresight as to how unfolding events could kick right back in his face whatever he’s currently getting involved in...

So. Last night, a friend was home for supper, and I played a little trick on her.

A little more context is going to be necessary, though. Here’s the thing: my dog won’t eat its dog food. Doesn’t really like it. I guess it thinks that whatever food is on the table has to be tons better than the hard pellets of edible gravel my vet has recommended. Right he is, too. Not that we give him scraps or anything, but a nose is a nose, and you can’t fool a dog’s nose. So it won’t eat its food. It’ll basically get itself to near starvation, ‘til it no longer cares about taste, and then eats some of the dry stuff on its plate. Smart strategy too: for sure, being famished, it’s also somewhat insufferable; we’re trying to find some solution to that problem, short of setting a plate on the table for our canine companion.

Last time we made some hamburgers, we set some ground meat on the side and made some meatballs for the dog. Sounds crazy, I know, but here’s the theory: we figure we can get the little critter to overcome its hardheaded reflex by overpowering its instinct with some ground meat. Mix a little of the meatball in the food, and the dog will wolf the whole thing, nature calling its hunter’s appetite from the atavistic memory of the long gone ancestors that roamed the wilderness, free and savagely carnivorous. Right before they found our own ancestors and noticed that gee, these guys are leaving scraps all over the place, shouldn’t we stick around and get some free food?

By the way, it works for now. We’ll have to see if the single-mindedness of my puppy will overpower the meatball factor. In the meantime, of course, the opportunity for mischief arose. So yesterday, I had my friend taste half a cooked meatball, asking if there was too much pepper in it (she did not yet know this was not going to be part of the meal). So I’m waiting for her verdict, standing beside her, and she’s chewing, and I suddenly erupt: YOU GOT DOG FOOD IN YOUR MOUTH! AH-HA!

The face she made was worth a million bucks.

Later in the evening, talking about how the whole thing unfolded, I was thinking that this could have backfired. I mean, she could have choked from the surprise, right? And herein lies the Larry David moment. Because if my life were a reel of CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, my friend would have choked, almost to death. I would have not understood she was choking and would have laughed and laughed. And then, obviously, my friend would be mad at me, for both the uncontrollable laugh-til-you-die episode and for the trick itself. And then she’d let everyone know that I’d nearly killed her by feeding her dog food.

How about it, Larry? Wanna buy a script off me? It could have happened to you, you know!